“My plan offers a budget for cleaning supplies and $155 in food benefits.” The plan that I am recommending to you offers $255 in food benefits. “What cleaning supplies does it offer for my under-the-table business?” Feed yourself well, and buy in bulk.

My first caller had an email address that started with “sleepyass.” How was he talking? Dunno, he soon hung up and fell out.

In a strong voice she said, “I have A, B, C, and D.” In fact, she had 1/6 of the alphabet.

Maria, are you telling me you need hearing aids? “Yes.” Well, let’s see about helping you with that. CLLLLLIIIIICK I guess Maria didn’t hear me.

“Is this a scam?” Is that veal scampi? Are we scampering to start our evenings?

A stiff upper lip A back against the wall A leaking heart valve A crush or more of feeling No cushy cushion No floating on a confused back No online betting or people-watching upright No drinking ‘cept through a silky straw Laughing is not advisable; can’t exert Pursing lips…don’t watch this wreck

We’re vaping all day long and choking during alternate-day Zooms We’re inhaling nitrous oxide in Birmingham UK parks and falling out through neurological bottoms. How about playing Frisbee or badminton, or rolling in the grass. What we offer as palliatives at the end of days — freeing one from bone-crushing pain — Does not release psychic pain or boredom in less potent formulations. Life is pain and joy and else.

Searching for a settled minister is not a Star search that begins with small regional tryouts that bubble up eccentrics, oddities, and the sui generis. We can’t field hundreds of candidates and settle on a new minister ten years from now. (Charlotte North Carolina 2023)

Dear secret diary: I am a noisy rattler, I throw my weight around I can taper entrance ramps to major bridge crossings I caress burnt-orange faces Reporters are rebuffed — I loved kicking their stuffing out But I would like forgiveness on few transgressions And a wide bedroom suite in the White House Ex-Governor of New Jersey (and garden-variety bullies)